


The Curse

by GoreCorset (CorsetJinx)



Category: Shall We Date?: Wizardess Heart+
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Drowning, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-11
Packaged: 2018-05-26 04:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6223531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CorsetJinx/pseuds/GoreCorset
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She hasn’t felt human in a long time. A year can pass, or two, or more, and she still feels like the legs she calls her own don’t belong to her. That the air she drags into her chest isn’t meant for her. Maybe she was meant for the sea, the way she longs for it, feels at home in it. But this mermaid didn’t need a witch, she had simply cursed herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Curse

> "I really don’t know what ‘ _I love you’_ means
> 
> I think it means “don’t leave me here alone.”
> 
> \- Neil Gaiman.

_Being alone is so painful…_

So who, who would want to be with someone like her? This drowning, dissolving mermaid of a girl. Where was the prince she had to fight for? Where was the proof of her soul, the pearl in the sea foam heart?

_It feels like drowning…_

Yeah, it feels a lot like drowning.

Her chest is tight, and her throat feels like it is swelling up inside, unable to let any oxygen through. She feels weightless, though, as if she were slowly drifting down into the darkest depths. Deep, deep down into the very abyss of the ocean. It’s cold, she realizes in her drifting state. It’s so cold and dark and she’s so, so lonely. But that’s part of living, right? Accepting that loneliness is painful. That it’s like drowning, making you feel hot and cold all at once, driving the air out of your lungs and filling them with water.

If she could, she’d give her pearl of a soul encased in her sea foam heart to breathe again. She would give up her long legs for a mermaid’s tail. She’d open her mouth and sing for the witch, show her that she had a voice after all. She would drag the prince down with her, watch his dark braids come undone, those azure eyes widening in panic before narrowing with sleep. She would hold him close to her beneath the waves and sing siren songs until he couldn’t leave, wouldn’t leave, wouldn’t even dream of leaving.

But she wasn’t capable of such cruelties. She was just a mermaid who had saved the drowning prince. Who had given her voice to the witch for a pair of legs. Who had found that love was nothing but hidden cruelties. Who had held the knife above the prince’s heart… but sacrificed herself so he could be happy.

She wasn’t a true mermaid, not physically. She was just a wizardess, an orphan, a lonely girl. She was just a normal girl with legs and a voice too soft for this world. A girl full of anger and doubt, pain and sadness. Loneliness. In this academy with it’s stone walls and tall windows she felt more alone than ever before. As if she were lost at sea, without a boat or life jacket and no way to call for help. Other students pass her by, glancing now and again and whispering still about her mysterious voiceless magic, her exotic buddy.

Right… Azusa.

He had been like a prince once, the year prior. For just a few short days he had been like a fairy-tale. He had nearly swept her off her feet with his kind smiles and sweet words, his gentleness and care. He had been a dream come true, or a nightmare, in the end. A sad, broken man just as orphaned as she was, just as desperate for love and -

But she wasn’t enough for him. She meant so little to him. Just a pawn in his dangerous, maddening game. Just the bait for the mythic beast.

If she had been a mermaid with a siren’s call, could she have changed him at all?

A year ago she would have said no. A year ago she would still have nightmares about the whole affair. A year ago she would still be hesitant to drift anywhere close to his side. He had hurt her, manipulated her, nearly succeeded in breaking her. Now, now she kept distance between them. Now she drifted through these halls with her head down and her gaze blank, her face as emotionless as she could. Like a mute, she didn’t part her lips to speak and instead seemed to just drift in the push and pull of the school’s tides. She did as she was told, joined Azusa on carefully monitored walks, hid in the library for hours pouring over books about sea creatures and water based magics. She picked out her strengths and forged barriers around her weaknesses like the hard shells of sea monsters. She wanted to hide inside of herself, put on some kind of a front…

All because of him, her painful love, her regrets and pathetic feelings were dragging her below the waves. She wasn’t going to turn into sea foam like the daughters of Oceanus. She wasn’t going to leave behind a perfect little pearl to show that she existed. She was going to get swallowed whole by the darkness inside of her heart. Fall into a deep, dark despair she couldn’t crawl out of.

If only… if only things were different. Oh how she wished, really wished things were different…

But she doesn’t live in a fairy tale world. And she couldn’t live in a fairy tale world like those found in lovingly worn books deep in the library. The kind of books Elias’ fan club picked out, or Tess Little loved to tote around and sing about. She wasn’t a mermaid and couldn’t become one with magic or otherwise. Would she even want to be? Tied to the sea and its dark depths, drowning in her loneliness? Dragging others under to fill the void in her heart.

No, no… it was too much for Chell. It was too much for the selective mute. Being alone was tough. It sapped the strength out of her, and it dug its claws deep, rending her heart unusable. She was going to choke -

She was going to bruise.

Butterfly bruise on her chest from the hard metal of Azusa’s pendant. Strong hands spanning the small of her back. Fingers digging into the fabric of her blue blouse, dragging her close. Mud sucking at her legs, at his. Mud smearing across her skin. But none of that mattered because…

She felt so small, so frail and delicate, a strong breeze could shatter her body like a rock hitting glass. When did he reach her? When did he grab her up and pull her against his chest? When did he drag her out of the deep waters, and remind her to breathe again? Water dribbled down her chin, coming out in deep chest rattling coughs. Had she been drowning all along? Really drowning? And his hands, chilled to the bone, held on to her so tight. And his body pressed against her so hard that she thought she could feel the birdlike bones under his skin. And he was trembling. And he was cold. He was soaking wet, chilled to the core.

And she was going to bruise like a peach, plumb, pear.

But these bruises were different from last years. These bruises were made in desperation by a man clinging to his humanity when he was at his weakest. When the only thing he could do was hold onto was the one person he had tried so desperately to destroy. When she was slipping away, falling away, dissolving. And she found that she didn’t mind these bruises. And she didn’t mind how tightly he was holding on to her. Somehow, it was alright. Somehow it reminded her that she wasn’t so utterly alone in the world. This desperation felt so familiar. A desperation she understood now in her waterlogged mind.

He’s her buddy. He’s her boy-

Lover.

He was her lover.

Even if the word didn’t hold the weight it once had, even if the word was tainted with heavy memories of sadness and pain. The disillusionment of girlish dreams. He was still someone who made her cry, not just in pain - not anymore, but with happiness. Maybe not today, not now, but… eventually, right? When her tongue no longer felt like lead in her mouth. When her ribs didn’t feel like they would be covered in cracks as his strong arms wrapped as tight as they could around her. When her breasts didn’t ache from the feeling of his brother’s pendant digging into her breastbone. When her shoulders didn’t feel as if they carried the weight of the world. When the water wasn’t trying to pull her back, lull her with the sweet promise of weightlessness. When she wasn’t drowning.

Tan hands slowly drifted up from their limp position at her sides, gingerly moving aside the elegant material of Azusa’s vest, weak fingers pushing buttons open and away so she could rest her hands upon his sides. She isn’t one to curl her arms around him any more than necessary now, for the time when she felt it most appropriate had come and gone the year prior. Back when he couldn’t really face the fact that he was alone. Back when he didn’t want to recognize the reality of his situation. Back when he had so easily lay his hands on her and threatened to rip her soul apart. Back before the river mocked her with it’s stillness and the promise of a watery relief.

The transfer student cursed and coughed, his words frenzied and lost to her. Perhaps he was begging forgiveness or calling her stupid. Perhaps he was demanding her never to search out that watery grave, that lonesome watery grave. She didn’t know, no, Chell had no idea what he could be trying to say, really trying to say. She could hardly hear beyond the screaming rush of blood in her ears, the loud thunderous cry of her heart.

The thick fall of her watery hair was plastered to her back, streaking across her face. She almost thought to look up and gaze into his pale face, see how the water had slicked his hair across his own features.

“… you can’t… never…” The broken words managed to pry into her thoughts. What was he saying? She can’t what - do this again? Chell coughed once more, more water pushing its way out of her mouth, lungs aching and stomach rebelling. Tears prickled at the corners of her eyes, spilling down her cheeks. And she hoped, really hoped no one might find them like this, far from campus and looking as though they had planned to suicide together.

Because, really, some part of her had led her to the water. Some part of her had wanted to do it.

And she probably would have succeeded to.

“You can’t leave me, Chell!” Azusa’s voice was thick with pain, fear, and anger. There must have been so much going on in his head. Worry and panic, anger and fear, hate even. She didn’t know, couldn’t even guess. But she held on to him, clung to his thin feeling shirt he wore when he dressed casually, milky white skin peaking out from between the folds of fabric. Leeching whatever heat she could manage when they were both as cold as ice and there was no heat to be found. She buried her face into the black shirt he wore, breathing in the scent of damp cotton and lake water, and somewhere beneath those overwhelming scents she thought she could almost smell marigold. “You can’t take your own life - you can’t leave me alone. I won’t let you. I don’t want you to. I don’t want… don’t leave me alone, I couldn’t live with that.”

No, no, it wasn’t fair. Because of him, because of him, she would never be the same. Because of him she didn’t know who she was any more. All of her feelings, her regrets, they were gushing forth in tears so cold they burned. She couldn’t vanish into the deep blue waters, dissolve into sea foam and leave behind just a pearl. Not with those words parading through her thoughts now. Not when his confession, spoken with a straining, trembling voice, made her heart clench and stole her breath away.

Because he was living with the same great distance between them. Because he was still hurting and it was her fault.

“Azusa…” His name was so weighty now. Her leaden tongue felt swollen and sluggish in her mouth, unable to even help her speak. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t know how she was supposed to react. Even her thoughts betrayed her, unable to put together a thousand words. She strained to find some way to convey what she felt inside. This torrent feelings. How alone she felt, how cold and empty. Isolated. How she couldn’t figure out if she was supposed to love him or despise him. Here, at the lakes edge, where mud caked her shins and probably her back, dying her favorite blue shirt and white skirt an ugly brackish color, and green grass gently swayed in the wind, she was so lost. In his arms, his strong, thin arms. Pressed flush against his body. Water draining from their clothes.

She could hear the wind gently rustle tree leaves. The only sound around them beyond the steady drip of liquid. The only sound to compete with the pounding of their hearts. She squeezed her eyes shut and listened, really listened to the sound of her buddy. Her companion. Her friend. Lover. Savior. Whatever he was supposed to be. She needed to hear the beat of his heart, to hear the shaky intake of breath. The almost inaudible desperate pleas for her to remain at his side. Hadn’t she promised him that much last year? Hadn’t they promised each other that their love would always bind them together? Wasn’t that what fueled their ability to slay the Nue? Not just everything Tsukasa had shown her when death had clawed at her being…

This wasn’t fair. This wasn’t fair. This could never be fair.

“Chell,” one hand slowly moved, fingers loosening their hold on her top. That pale hand slowly moved along the coil of dark brown locks, running along the damp tangling strands, a gesture so soothing she hardly knew it was possible for Azusa. And she might have laughed at that if she could. But she couldn’t, she merely accepted it. “I… I don’t believe I know what I love you means. I think it means don’t leave me alone.”

Those words were so unfair. They pulled at her heart, made her dig her fingers into the off-white vest he wore, pull him so close she thought the butterfly would snap in two between them. Pulling and tugging until there wasn’t even air separating them. “Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me.” She kept repeating, as if the kotodama had any real power. “Azusa please don’t. Leave. Me.”

“I won’t.”

If this was what love meant, she didn’t know if she could really handle it. Her back shook with the start of loud sobbing. She had once stood so tall, just the way she was supposed to be, but just being around him had made her crumble. She had been so strong, so powerful in her own way, and yet every ounce of her fragile strength had fallen away, faded away, dissolved into nothing. She wanted to run away from this. She had wanted to return to the sea. She had wanted…

She just wanted to dream a sweet nightmare for just a little longer…


End file.
